Actual Texts I've Received

Names have been removed to protect the hilariously guilty... lots of these are old btw... I'm clearing out my old phone and just happened to run across some of the joints I had saved...

"I practice fellatio on prescription bottles."

"If I didn't think of you like a brother, I'd be completely in love with you."

"Have you ever thought of what it would be like to have a vagina? Sometimes, I think about what it would be like to have a penis."

"If I ate another girl out that wouldn't make me gay, would it?"

"I know it's not a ladylike thing to tell somebody, but I have gas."

"Greg, I just wanna let you know that I'm really drunk and I'm not going to fuck anybody tonight. But if I was going to fuck somebody, it would be you. But I'm not going to fuck anybody. I'm going to go to sleep. Goodnight."

"You should eat out old ladies and charge them $200 a nut."

"By ignoring me, you're just going to make me call and text you more. CALL ME BACK OR I'M COMING TO YOUR HOUSE!"

"Some bitch called me to tell me that she was fucking my man. So I cussed that bitch out. Ain't nobody fucking my man but me. I smell that nigga's dick every morning and every night and it don't smell like nothing but Ivory soap and my pussy juice. Stupid ass bitches stay tryin' to start some drama."

"Nigga, I would give Roseanne the motherfucking biz. She had some big ass buttermilk titties."

"Do all babies think like Stewie? I hope my son isn't plotting to kill me."

"I wanna work for the FBI."

"Just ignore that picture of my ass I just sent. I meant to send that to my boyfriend."



I have great friends.







Ya'll be easy.