TV and Movies Gave Me a False Sense of the World...

Only on TV and in movies, does Steve Urkel know any and every celebrity (circa 1992 or whenever that show came out)... This dude was the corniest nigga ever but always had the dope connects... anytime there was a concert in town, this nigga knew them... and not only did he know them but he would just have them show up at the crib like it was nothing... today it would be the equivalent of me saying "Oh Jay-Z... yeah I know the homie... I mean I can have him come through and make some cheesesteaks if ya'll want... it's nuffin'..." Shit like this made me mad... the few pseudo-celebs I know act like a nigga can't even get an IM on Facebook, much less a special guest appearance at my neighbor's crib...

Only on TV and in movies, do the nice guys win... in every teen-comedy-drama-flick, the good dude ALWAYS gets the girl... even after she fucks him over and makes him feel like shit, in the end, he gets those cakes... shit, even Steve Urkel finally got Laura... this shit NEVER happens in real life... LOL... good dudes finish last... in my head, things always play out according to what happened in television and movies, but it never goes that way in reality...

Only on TV and in movies, does the no-good cousin come from out of town and get reformed... I've seen this in many TV shows... the good family (Cosbys, Winslows, etc.) will have a ne'er-do-well family member who comes to visit the crib and by the end of the show, they got this nigga singing hymns about flowers and converting to Islam... it's just not realistic... the same dudes who was doing work back in 96 are still doing the same in 2009 unless they've been killed or gone to prison...

Only on TV and in movies, does nobody ever fart... I just think that's strange... LOL

Only on TV and in movies, does the random "ugly chick who's only featured in one episode" get a makeover and all of a sudden, this chick, who's NEVER had a boyfriend in her life, has every nigga available tryna get in her vagina-panties... come on, B... 1) how often do chicks get makeovers? LOL... same people I know who been ugly are STILL ugly... and 2) being ugly has never kept a chick from getting holla'd at... if you're giving up the cooch, niggas are gonna get at you... I mean, who are we kidding...? And what's really good with people being like "I know you look good now but I love you for what's on the inside..." Nigga, shut your ass up... you wasn't tryna holla at her when she was looking like Bruce Smith in the face... don't act like you been into her this whole time and just ain't been sayin' shit...

Only on TV and in movies, do regular dudes have cards where they can be contacted... I ALWAYS see this shit in movies... a dude meets a chick, they confab and he ends up getting her number by her giving him her card... who the fuck has cards with their personal information on them? LOL... like, unless I'm just getting so much pussy that I'm getting a cramp in my hands by continously writing down numbers, I can't see any purpose in paying to have cards printed up with my phone number... I wish I would give a chick a card with my number on it... she'd probably look at me like I'm crazy... LOL...

Only on TV and in movies, can a dude interrupt a wedding and take the bride without nobody really objecting... let me tell you something right now... if I'm at the altar and some nigga hops up talking about "No, Nicole... marry me and not him!" and she goes for it, I'm bodying everybody in attendance who doesn't object... LOL... how you just gonna hop your ass up and think it's all gravy for you to take my fiance? "Allow me to introduce you to the chopper..."

Only on TV and in movies, does a nigga have two dates for the prom/night/formal event... let's be serious... how often does this shit happen? And this is coming from a dude who's had to "balance" several different women at a time... it's really not that hard to keep your chicks separate... so how a nigga on TV can manage to get caught up by asking two chicks to the prom is beyond me... what usually happens is homie will ask Girl 1 and for whatever reason (she gotta wash her hair, her dog died, her great Aunt on her dad's side is coming to town that night) she can't go... so homie asks Girl 2, she says yes... the hour before the event is supposed to start Girl 1 pops up like "oh nah, it's all good... I can go now..." Ok first off, at this point, all dude has to say is "I already made plans... let's get up later on" but nah, what does he do? This simp-ass nigga posts up at different parts of the spot and hopes they don't run into each other... he'll spend five minutes with each and then go to the other chick and vice versa... it ends up being a clusterfuck of a date and at the end, he gets caught up... I've never seen this shit happen EVER... LOL

Only on TV and in movies, does the mom have a job but you NEVER see her actually at work... what the fuck does Harriet do? I don't know... I know Aunt Viv was a professor but did you ever see her professoring besides that one episode where Will and Carlton were learning black history? The ONE exception I can think of is Claire... she got it in with that lawyer shit... if a black woman works, trust me, she will tell you that shit... LOL... if she gets two jobs, you'll hear about it THREE TIMES as much... they would just come home and sit there and listen to the random stories of their husbands...

Only on TV and in movies, does somebody throw a pie, miss and hit the one person they really shouldn't hit... first offf, who the fuck really throws pies? I've been around pie all my life and never thrown one at a person... especially not one full of whipped cream? Can that even really be considered a pie? That's just a pie crust with cream on top, right? Ok, this one has gone on way too long...

Only on TV and in movies, do people get jobs in a day... have you ever been job hunting? That shit is the worst... and even the most qualified applicants take weeks before they get hired... I ain't never had ANYBODY I know just wake up one day, go out and get a job and then come back to the crib like "I start tomorrow!" Maybe it's just me...

Speaking of that, only on TV and in movies, do niggas get an advance from their boss... unless you get paid under the table, your boss ain't giving you an advance on a paycheck... because if he did, I'd ask for 10 months in advance, quit and laugh all the way to the bank...

Only on TV and in movies, does the team with absolulely no discernable talent beat the team with every superstar in the city... ever seen Little Giants? That is the most ridiculous movie I've ever seen... it would be the equivalent of the worst high school team in North Carolina beating the New England Patriots... did you see those two teams? Their best player was a fullback with a skirt on... let's be serious, B... the little Giants would've gotten GANG-RAPED in a football game... it wouldn't have been close at all... I'm talking 2349-0... I mean, heart can only get you so far, B... LOL... at the end of the day, if you suck, you suck... the same goes for teams that are garbage at the beginning but end up winning the championship... how is that you couldn't even make a lay-up in October and by February, you're Kobe Bryant and shit? Come on, B...

Only on TV and in movies, do people cut off the TV when somebody walks in the room and talks to them... I've never understood why this happens... LOL... whenever I'm at the crib and Nicole comes home, I say "hey babe" give her a kiss and go back to watching TV... what purpose would it serve to cut the TV off?

Only on TV and in movies, do stray bullets miss every adult on the block but the smallest target (a child) gets shot right between the eyes... listen, I know little kids catch strays on a daily basis but it's ridiculous that there's 10,000 grown men posted on the block, and they get 43,209 bullets thrown their way from a moving car and NOBODY gets hit except for the little boy who's playing with the chalk on the sidewalk... LOL...

Only on TV and in movies, does a man dress up like a woman or vice-versa to get something accomplished... this just never happens... or maybe it does and we just don't know? Hmmmmmmmmmm...