How I've Changed Emotionally

So the other day, me and Nicole kinda got into it (no details, of course)... and though I don't think I necessarily did anything wrong, ultimately, it led to us not talking for most of the day... once we did get a chance to talk, she let me know that if she were to have an emotional breakdown, I wouldn't be the first person she'd call because I don't do a good job at helping the situation... I tried to make my case, saying that what had happened earlier was beyond my control, but she reminded me that it's not the first time I hadn't been there for her emotionally and that she wasn't mad about it... she just simply knew she couldn't come to me...

And at first, it pissed me off... I feel like if you're my girl and you're going through something, I should be the first person you come to with that problem... but the more I thought about it, the more I thought about how right she was... and that anger turned to relief...

I've always prided myself on being the one person people could talk to... for most of my life, I was... I've had people come out of the closet to me, reveal their family problems to me, relationship problems, if somebody had been feeling bad, they called me with the intent to make me help them feel better... and 99% of the time, I did... sometimes, people just couldn't be helped and it would fuck with me that I couldn't help EVERYONE...

Well, last year, something in me changed... I know where and why it started and at first I resisted it because I didn't want to become bitter... but the more I changed, the better I felt and I held on to that... after a while, I'd felt the best I ever had emotionally, even though, I was also the coldest I'd ever been emotionally... lots of people sensed the change in me and most turned away because I wasn't there for them as I had been in the past... some people accepted me but still noted the change...

Unfortunately for Nicole, she never got to meet the guy who everyone thought was the sweetest and most thoughtful guy in the world... and after this whole fiasco last week, I'm sure she's more than certain that she never will... and at first, I figured all of the bitterness in my heart would just go away once I found somebody who I could see really cared for me... but it turns out, even with her in my life, I still have this coldness... and that's kinda scary... only because I see the coldness, I know the cause of it but yet, I'm still holding on to it... it'd be different if I was in some type of denial and just needed that breakthrough that would help... or something... but like... damn, I don't even know what to do...

I just can't imagine myself going back to the person I used to be... to allow myself to be that vulnerable to people again... I really don't know what to do though... I just forsee this being a problem even though Nicole assures me she's ok with it and is not going anywhere...

Ok, I'm done ranting but it's 3;30 in the morning and everybody's asleep... LOL... I need more friends...


Ya'll be easy...