Damn...

So tonight, I received a phone call from my mother... and while I anticipated the usual "you-still-owe-me-money-don't-forget" conversation, she actually revealed to me that my father could have prostate cancer...

And in usual Hard Work fashion, I just kinda sat there like "ummm... ok?" It's not that I wish death on him or anything like that but after years of not really caring about him, preimminent death isn't really enough to make me care either... but I heard something in my mom's voice that let me know that she was really concerned... and that was enough to make me care, at least a little bit...

It seems he's had two polyps removed from his stomach and that while the cancer hasn't been confirmed, the doctors feel that that's a good sign that if he does have it, it's already spread... so of course, I'm relaying this story to Nicole and she feels like I should have some discussions with my father just to explain how he's affected me...

I don't really know if I want to... I know I probably should... I mean, there's a million different cases where people have had something from their childhood go on to affect the rest of their lives... and I'm not in denial, I know a lot of my emotional problems stem directly from interactions with my father and that it would probably be in my best interest to at least let him know how I feel, so I can get closure and make peace with it, just in case his life is coming to an end...

And even if it's not... even if he is completely healthy and were to live another fifty years, I still think it could be beneficial to to have a positive relationship with him... my only concern is that he's disappointed me so much in my life... I've gone out on a limb before only to have him continue to ignore me unless he's feeling guilty and for me, that's just not fucking good enough...

I'm hoping I don't get that Okonkwo complex (reference to Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe) where I'm just doing things with my kids simply because they're the opposite of what he did with me... like, I don't wanna smother my sons so much just because my dad wasn't there for me... I don't wanna be that corny ass dad... LOL...

I don't know, there's no real point to this blog but it's late and nobody's up for me to really vent to...