I'm at a Crossroads...

When it comes to relationships, I'm not always sure of what I want... I always know what I DON'T want (a lot of arguments about things that don't require it, clinginess (sp?), a whole bunch of general nonsense, etc... I could go on forever) and I don't pigeonhole what I want simply because I don't want to exclude a good woman just because she doesn't have all the things I want... and for the past six, seven months I haven't even checked for anybody like that... I mean, yeah, I've thought about certain people I could possibly see a relationship with, but as far as actively pursuing someone, I haven't done that... its been a situation where, more or less, "our time together is our time together and our time apart is our time apart..."

And in my mind, that was going to be how I led my lovelife from here on out... simply because I didn't want to get so wrapped up in another person only to suffer the same fate that's happened pretty much any other time I've tried to be down for someone...

Did I expect every person I encountered to be cool with that? Of course not... but I always managed to be forthright with the people I met that I wasn't ready for any type of serious relationship... a lot of people took that as "oh, so you just want to fuck" to which I would answer "sex isn't that serious to me where I'm going to beg you for some pussy..."

And for the most part, people understood that (a few got outta pocket, but I deaded that real quick) but would move on... some have gotten boyfriends, some just moved on to another guy "who's about something" and some have chosen to just be easy and take my words for their worth...

Now my reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship are pretty loaded and definitely complex... and its crazy to me I guess simply because at this point in my life I've been pretty nonchalant about people no longer being a part of my life... if somebody was stressing me or wasn't being understanding of me or just bringing negative energy my way, then fuck 'em, period... and for most people this is still my mindset... I don't want anything bad to happen to you but I'm not going to miss you as much as you think I am or as much as you want me to... just the way it is, babygirl...

Now I don't know about you but when it comes to me, I know I really care about someone when I find myself wanting to better myself for her... I mean, I want to better myself anyway but when my thought process is "I'm going to do this so that I can make the situation better for me and shorty" that's when I know...

And as much as I've tried to disconnect myself from the sweet, caring and thoughtful person I used to be, I find myself wanting to be that way again for a certain person in particular because I don't wanna lose her... so it seems that after all this time of transforming myself into a cold and uncaring individual, I'm at a crossroads where if I continue, I'm going to end up losing somebody great BUT who could also potentially do the same things that 99% of the others have done... (which she's said on a few occasions)

Its at this point where I'm not sure what to do... my judgment with women is usually pretty bad (obviously!) but I don't want to have these thoughts of being unsure about how this thing could potentially work out and then end up regretting it down the line...

Its just fucking hard to open up to people these days... I see myself caring less and less about the well-being of other motherfuckers simply because its apparent that most people could give a fuck about mine... shit, my own mother only calls me to harass me about money (granted, I owe it to her but at the very least she could ask me how the fuck I'm doing... but I digress...)

I'm just unsure of what to do... she's never been exposed to anything except the heartless, indifferent me so its not like she has the other guy to compare me to... but, like most would, she's requiring more from me and I don't know if I'll be able to give to her... not because I don't want to but because I don't know if I'm even capable of it... the things I do for her are huge to me but are baby steps to her (which, in and of itself is causing a conflict) and part of me just wants to say fuck it because I feel like if what I'm doing isn't putting a smile on your face then why should I bother...? Then the biggest part of me wants to do more but isn't sure of how to go about it... this shit is wack, non-fiction...

Ya'll be easy...