My Unborn Child

Last night, I had a really bad dream... and it put me in such a bad mood, my sleeping body literally jerked up out of the bed... in the dream, my sister Nikia was pregnant and in a particularly irritable mood... a few days later, she was in an even worse mood... snapping at everybody, saying nobody loved her or cared for her... it was just bad... then when we asked what was REALLY going on, she told us she'd had a miscarriage and that we didn't know what she was going through... and I just lost it... I started cursing people out, throwing shit all around the house... it was just so disturbing... and it didn't make any sense until I got to my first class today and then it just hit me...

For those that don't know, last spring/summer, me and my girlfriend at the time were blessed with a pregnancy... and (at least according to the doctors) today would have been the baby's first breath on this earth... I still remember the day she told me... she had been complaining about some discomfort in her stomach and didn't know what was going on, so I told her to go to the doctor and see what the deal was... unfortunately, I wasn't able to go with her because I was working at American Express at the time but I told her to keep me updated on what was said... by my first break, I saw that she had called and left me a voicemail... she told me I was gonna be a daddy... and I broke out into the biggest smile ever... I was on cloud nine that day... I called my mom and told her, who, in turn, told EVERYBODY her phone could call... lol... life was great then... everyday, she'd call and ask how things were going and then call her just to get it from the horse's mouth (it's a saying... I'm not calling her a fucking bronco)... it was also at this point where I was like "ok, we're gonna get a house... I'm gonna start working overtime... I'm going to take care of us..." and I just wanted to be the provider... I didn't want her to worry about anything extra or have any added stress on her than she would already have...

We picked baby names... the girl was going to be MiKayla Jasmine-Grace Hedgepeth and if it was a boy, it was going to be Jaylen Christian Amir Hedgepeth... we decided to have four names instead of three because there would be four of us: me, her, her son from a previous relationship and the new baby... I felt like I was finally living the American Dream: had a job I loved, my girl, our kids, soon to have a house... shit, all I needed was a white picket fence and a dog named Spot and I was good... LOL... everything was going in the right direction...

Then, I guess due to hormones or just her being a general nagger, we started arguing all the time... and not even about big things that mattered; it was little dumb shit... then she started accusing me of trying to get back with my ex or my ex trying to get back with me (even though, me and my ex were barely speaking at the time) and it was just arguments all the time and I didn't know what else to do... I tried to be accomodating to her and her needs, but I guess I fell short on what she wanted from me...

Well, around the end of June, we ended up losing the baby... we were told it was because our genes just didn't match up together like they should have for a healthy baby and, as the body's way of ridding itself of unhealthy children, a miscarriage occured... I still think our arguing had a lot to do with it but the doctor assured us that wasn't the case... soon after, we broke up... she decided it was easier for her to talk to her ex about the miscarriage than me (even though I would inquire on a daily basis) which allowed him to snake his way back into her heart and I felt left out in the cold... it was a really sad time in my life, not only because of that, but because of other things going on at the time as well...

Not to mention, I hearing all this he say-she say shit about the baby not being mine in the first place, that she was cheating on me, etc... which to me, is bullshit... I mean, not because I'm saying it couldn't have happened... I don't put cheating past anybody so she could have very well been doing that... but if you consider myself a friend or family member, why would you tell me this shit all after the fact? I mean, I know that's a serious accusation that you would have to have some merit to, but let's say she has the baby and then 18 years from now, we discover it's not mine? Can you imagine how I would feel knowning that you fucking knew and didn't say anything? I'd feel betrayed twice...

Luckily, nobody really asked me about the actual miscarriage situation because I honestly didn't feel like talking about anything related to the miscarriage and probably would have broke down if I had to talk about it... the only person who ended up saying anything was Jamal's pops who was just understanding of the situation and told me he was there for me if I needed to talk... I thought that was dope, just because he and I never really had that type of relationship where I could come to him with anything and if I had felt like talking, I probably would have had a sit-down with him...

But for a long time, I just sat and thought about my baby... it was crazy... upon moving back home at the end of June, my little brother ended up having a seed with his girl... (perfect timing right?)... he ended up naming my nephew Jailyn Christopher... I just thought it was so crazy that the two sons (if I had had a son) would have had names so eerily similar... and we didn't decide to make it that way... he decided with his girl and I decided with mine... it was just a huge coincidence...

At first, I couldn't even hold him... couldn't look at pictures of him... I'd smile and act like I was excited to see him, but deep down, I was hurting like a motherfucker... everytime I saw him, I couldn't help but think about me not having a child anymore... matter of fact, it wasn't until Christmas when I could actually hold him and be genuinely happy... and he's such a good baby too... doesn't cry at all... just smiles and laughs all the time...

I've pushed it out of my mind since then but I really did want to have a child... I mean, even though as wrong as me and her were for each other, at the time, I was really happy to have her as the mother of my future son or daughter... in hindsight, we were not right for each other but I digress...

Ever since I was twelve years old, people have told me I'd be a good father... and I thought I was until I had to run after Doo-Wop everyday and now, I'm not so sure... I mean, nobody loves Doo-Wop more than I do... period... I miss her so much today and I can't wait to see her just because she's such a damn character like her brother... but there are some times when I'm just really agitated with her... I mean, she'll be three in April and it's like I fully expect her to just sit and be quiet sometimes and I know I can't be that way... but she will seriously stress me out sometimes... I'm not saying that good parents never get stressed by their kids but I feel like they know better ways to handle it than I did (getting mad, sending her to my sisters or my grandmother, etc.)... and I can't count how many times I've said "I DON'T WANT ANY FUCKING KIDS" in the past six months and MEANT that shit with a passion...

So it's a major blessing that I didn't have any kids yet... 1) it allowed me to go back to school without having to worry about my child not being provided for, 2) it keeps me from being obligated to a woman who wasn't right for me, 3) I'm still enjoying my freedom a little too much to have a child and 4) no dirty diapers!!!

I know this is the type of post that never really warrants any responses, I just wanted to get it off my chest because I've been holding it in for so long... I do feel a little better...

Ya'll be easy...