Is This What You Want?!?

Today has been a shitty day.

Well, let me not say that. It's been an emotional day in a sense. I'm one of those people who have an overactive imagination... it's really hard for me to focus at times because my mind is always on a million different things... maybe I got ADHD or some shit, I don't know but, I digress... today is one of those days where my mind turns into my own worst enemy... I hate days like this... and I know it's only because I'm stuck in my room, my phone is busted, the internet is boring me, I don't have my TV yet, so it's like the only thing a nigga can really do is just sit back and let his mind fuck with him... and that's when I get into trouble because I always seem to focus on all the bad shit that's happened/been happening to me...

Today, I sat and focused on 2008... 2008 was probably the worst year of my fucking life... real talk, I went through so much in that twelve months that I'm surprised to even be sitting here able to write to ya'll niggas because at one point I was seriously considering ending all this shit... actually at a few points, I was considering that... that's neither here nor there but it was a rough time... I had to deal with getting evicted, losing my job (that I fucking hated) then having to give up a job (that I really, REALLY loved), lost my baby, lost my girl (a few times!), more bullshit on top of bullshit with friends (or whatever you wanna call them), another shitty ass Christmas... just... it was fucking bad, man...

And like, I just really need '09 to be a good year... '09 is the jump-off point for everything else that will happen in my life... if certain things aren't taken care of this year, it can put a nigga at a real standstill and considering how things have gone so far, I can't afford to have any more time wasted...

So a nigga was just laying back thinking and I started to focus on the people I keep around me... honestly, I feel like I got a few too many niggas in my circle... not to say that I don't know any good people because I definitely do... I think I got a lot of people who have my best interests at heart... but then I think about all the people that I really can't even stand to be around... all the people that as soon as I see their name pop up on my phone I can't help but think "oh, not this motherfucker again..." and if that's somebody I'm supposed to have in my circle, why should I feel that way? alot of people I keep around me are people on second and third chances and they don't even fucking realize it... a lot of people I'm cool with are not people I've always been cool with... I guess that comes from moms because I'm a forgiving person and I'm starting to realize that I shouldn't be... especially when I see that these people bring pain into my heart every fucking time I talk to them...

See, I got a problem with abandonment... I hate to be the nigga that gets left out in the cold... frankly, I should be used to it because that's all that ever seems to happen in my life but I guess it's one of those things you just don't get used to...

It all started with my father... my parents had me when they were both 17... my dad stayed around long enough to have another child with my mom but when I was two, he bounced... and it's not even like I don't know who the nigga is but he's been spotty, ya know? Like, he'll show up every few years, make an attempt to be a daddy and then, bam, I don't see him for another three years or some shit... and like, that's really the first person who's abandoned me... and ever since then, it's been a theme with me... I'm disposable to people and I don't understand that shit... I'm a ride or die type dude... you say we're peoples, then I got you... PERIOD... if we're out in the middle of a place we never been to and 43 niggas step to you like it's a problem, then they gotta deal with me too because that's the type of nigga I am... I'm not fake, I'm not that nigga that'll smile in your face and then talk shit about you behind your back because I'm not a bitch like a lot of people are... gossip is for the birds...

So that's why I don't understand why it's so easy to leave a nigga like me alone, yet, other motherfuckers who don't do half the things I do, who don't put up with half of the bullshit that I do are the ones that people just can't live without... that shit is bananas to me... and at this point, I'm not even just talking about friends, but relationships, flings and what have you...

Like I've said before, I'm not an abusive person, I don't disrespect females, I don't lie (at least about the important things anyway), I'm a caring individual, I try to make sure that you're happy... so why is it that niggas who beat on you, lie to you, shit on you, cheat on you are the niggas that you can't be without? Why am I the nigga that has to be left out in the cold? In 2008, I had to deal with this shit hard body... now I'm not going to go into all the details but basically, this girl I was dating left me to go back to her ex... but still wanted to be friends... like... what kinda shit is that? And because I got those issues that I have, I said 'fuck it' and tried to be friends... but that shit was hard... not because we weren't in a relationship but just because she wanted to always talk about her and this other nigga... like... why the fuck would I wanna hear that shit? But she made it seem like I was the nigga that was fucked up because I wasn't a good friend... see? That's the type of bullshit I put up with in the sake of friendship but niggas still act like that shit ain't good enough...

Back around August or September, I fell in love with this friend of mine... I mean, fell HARD... I didn't even see the shit coming because at this point, I wasn't doing relationships, nothing... shit, I wasn't even really having sex like that either because the shit was just becoming too much for me... I just wanted a fucking break from females... but somehow, she got past my defenses... I had been stiff-arming females hardbody... like "nah, B... I'm good... I'm not doing the relationship thing anymore" but somehow, this particular woman got through to me... and she's a good fucking woman, I can't stress that enough... she's the best woman I've ever known next to my mother... real talk... and I expressed that to her... like, ok... if you know me, I've always had a hard time expressing my feelings and making myself vulnerable to other people because niggas will use that against you... but with her, I would just pour my heart out to her... and at first, she didn't seem to really be on me like that... like, we were cool... we'd talk but it was more one-sided as far as the whole 'I like you' thing goes... but as time went on, I could see how she was coming around... shit, I remember one night we even talked about baby names, how would we run the household, planning out our lives together, etc... like real shit... and for the first time in my life, I had peace... like real peace down to my soul... and that led me to believe she was the one and I even told her that... I had it planned out how I would propose and everything... down to the place, what I'd wear, the ring, the time, the date... every fucking thing... then one day out of nowhere she's like she prayed on it and God told her I'm not the one for her but she still wants to be friends... and I'm like "man, what the fuck?" Just like that? It's a wrap? I mean, I'm not one to go against God but I mean, damn... just without warning, it's over... I couldn't do it, man... I couldn't be her friend... I still can't... and when I told her we couldn't be friends, she went the hell off... like she was seriously pissed off and I don't understand that type of shit... you don't want me as your man, like that shit is out of the question... but you absolutely, positively have to be my friend or it's gonna be problems? Like what the fuck is that shit even about? Then, yesterday, she called and told me she has a boyfriend so I guess that's who God wants her to be with but I can't help but feel abandoned yet again... disposable... and she's really fucked it up for every female that's going to come in my life because I'm not going to allow myself to feel that way for a woman... I simply fucking can't... it's too much effort on my part to do all that to come away with nothing... so to anybody who's trying to be with me, just know that it's gonna be something you have to deal with... I got issues with my heart... and that's just not some bullshit that I'm saying to be like other niggas who just wanna fuck without any real commitment so they say "oh, I been hurt before so I'm careful with my heart"... with me, that's just the honest truth...

I don't know what it is about me that makes me less important than all the other shit going on in the world but this shit is eating away at me... I mean, I meet plenty of good women but it's like I can't even give them all of me because at this point, I'm tired of the bullshit and I feel like that's what each of them has in store for me... maybe not planned out ahead of time or on purpose, but in the end that's what's gonna happen because that's what ALWAYS happens... it's like people think I'm the world's greatest friend/acquaintance... but I'm a horrible boyfriend... relationships always fail for me... like no matter what I do, some small shit will break us up... one girlfriend couldn't trust me for reasons I still don't fucking understand, one girl claims I was tryna holla at her friend because I said hello to her on the motherfucking phone, one girl wanted to be a ho and fuck everybody, another girl I was talking to I could've really been down for even though she was below my fucking standards... this bitch (and I call her a bitch because that's what the fuck she was not because she's a woman) had the audacity to try and fuck my little brother under my nose, like my nigga wasn't gonna tell me... my little brother made her look like a fucking whore and then she came running back to me talking about "oh that wasn't nothing... it was a mistake" man, get the fuck outta here...

Then I gotta deal with fake ass friends on top of that... niggas that KNOW I got their backs but they get all puffed up in the chest and take out shit on me because their lives are fucked up... one nigga claimed I was tryna be with his baby-moms like his seed wasn't my fucking godson... come on B... that girl is like my sister and you really think I'm tryna fuck up the game like that? another friend gonna tell me, I'm the reason she had a miscarriage because I stressed her out... like... you fucking serious B? I guess the fact that the nigga you dealing with keeps treating you like shit doesn't have anything to do with it...?

I mean, I'm really on my anger shit right now because I'm tired of putting up with motherfuckers who do me wrong... so if you don't hear from me for a minute, this is the reason why... I'm tired of you motherfuckers... I'm tired of dealing with jealous, hood-booger, low-class, quasi-confused, inconsiderate, selfish, roody-poo ass females... period... I'm tired of dealing with niggas who act like they got problems with me over some shit THEY had control over... I was talking to Nicole about the new me and she thought it was kinda weird that I refer to myself this way but that's what it is... it's really a whole new nigga you're dealing with... because this nigga here could give a fuck about people and that's real... if we're cool, we're cool... I don't want people to get it fucked up like I don't still got crazy love for a lot of people out there... but the compassionate nigga I used to be is no more... I got no problem letting a motherfucker go if that's what it comes to... all you niggas is dispensible is how I see it... point blank... you fuck up and your ass is gone... it's one strike and you're out right now...

Fuck all this apologizing and shit that tends to happen way after the fact-- that shit is done... I accept your apology but that doesn't mean we're cool again... just means I acknowledge that you realize you fucked up... now like I said, this message isn't for everybody because most of the people who will read this are good people and I love ya'll from the bottom of my heart... I'm glad to have ya'll in my corner... but for you few motherfuckers that are on the verge of being on a nigga's shit list, I advise you get your shit together... point bliddank...

Be the fuck easy...