Breast Cancer

Now before I start, let it be known that I'm not really a women's basketball fan and I'm definitely not an NC State fan, but for those that don't know, Kay Yow is the women's basketball coach over at NC State and she's been battling breast cancer again for the past year or so and she passed away today... her passing really has an effect on me just because of her struggles with cancer and how it really can affect anybody, anywhere...

A month after I turned 19, my mother told me she had the same affliction... and I was completely speechless... I didn't know what to say... didn't know what to do... I still remember it like it was yesterday... I was one of the equipment managers for the ECU football team and it was my laundry night... I hated laundry night... I was always there mad late trying to get this sweaty, grimy shit clean and then having to find each locker to put it in for a bunch of ungrateful, arrogant motherfuckers... it was just... well anyway, I'll spare you the details... but I was sitting there, doing my homework and watching a game between loads when my brother called me... he told me my mom had gone to the doctor today... I was like "wtf? To the doctor for what...?" He said he didn't know...

Soon after, my mom got on the phone... of course, I inquired about the doctor's appointment... and the shakiness in her voice told me something just wasn't right... I didn't know what to think... then she told me the doctor had found a lump in her breast... I was just silent... after we got off the phone, I couldn't think about anything else...

Days later, it was confirmed that she did indeed have breast cancer and I was all the way fucked up... months earlier, I'd lost the only father figure I'd ever known to a heart attack that caused him to die before he was 40 and now I was hearing that I might very well lose my mother too? It wasn't what I wanted to hear... wasn't what I needed to hear... I couldn't handle that shit... luckily for me and my mom, my sisters were there to be her support... I wasn't strong enough... I'm still not... I remember when the chemotherapy started to take her hair and I couldn't even bear to look at her... it was just too much for me...

She got back into church, she started to talk about life and death more often and all I could do was stay to myself... I didn't wanna talk about it, I really COULDN'T talk about it... she became somewhat of an activist for breast cancer and to this day, she will talk to any and everybody about the toll it took on her, spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally...

She beat it...

Nothing made me happier than to know that, because they found it early, my mother had beat cancer... so when I was at the cafe earlier (oh yeah, a brotha finally got his meal plan poppin'... LOL) I noticed a graphic that said Kay Yow 1942-2009... she had passed... and it hit me like a ton of bricks... back in '04, that could have been my mom on the tv screen... gone from cancer...

And I really didn't wanna write this blog but, as usual, whenever I need somebody to talk to, nobody is there... so I just wanted to go ahead and get it off my chest or I'd be thinking about it all night and I don't wanna put myself through that type of torture...

I'm blessed ya'll... even if I don't always say it or act like it, I know I'm blessed because my mother is STILL here and she's healthy... well, maybe healthy isn't a great word because she always talking about her feet hurting (GO TO THE DOCTOR, MA!) but she's alive and doing ok...

That's it... peace ya'll...